Think of someone who is constantly overworked and burnt out in your life. Someone who pushes themselves to their limits. It can be your mother, a friend, a boss, or a colleague. Maybe even yourself. 

Now I want you to think: how often do you notice them feeling frustrated with people around them?

One of the first things we want to consider here is the level of burnout that this person is experiencing, as well as the boundaries they have in place. 

Let me tell you a short story. My friend shared with me that she was upset with a colleague at her work, who constantly left work on time, did not pick up more work than she needed to, and did not heavily participate in extracurricular work demands like planning team dinners. 

I couldn’t help but think.. “So what’s wrong with that?” I later came to see the full picture. My friend, the eldest sister and full-time employee, in charge of at least three programs at her mosque weekly, and organizing work programs outside of her job description, was feeling burnt out! 

Yes, it’s sad that her work colleague is not as reliable and helpful as my friend hoped. But the real locus of control is within the self, not within others. 

A few questions that we could use to self-assess our current commitments in life: 

• How realistic are my commitments compared to the time I have available in the week?

So often we find ourselves wanting to do everything. But we cannot do everything all at once. We may need to prioritize some projects over others. At this time, focus on the commitments you want to prioritize, and save the others for later.

• What do I want to be doing that I don’t seem to be having time for?

I love this question because it helps point out what is it that I am most seeking at this time. This can reveal the things you have always been longing for, or perhaps the real priorities you have in life.

• Where is most of my time going? 

If you do not already have an automated calendar on google or apple or notion or whatever you use, create one. Track your time. Even if you are not using it to plan, just record where is your time going. How many hours did you spend on each task? This can be extremely helpful to understand your pace, your work flow, and the resources you need for your projects. When it comes to planning, this information is one of the most helpful to help craft your schedule.

• Does my current schedule and time spent reflect the values and goals that I have in life?

One task that I see used in therapy is to create two columns on a piece of paper. On one side, write down a realistic day in your life. On the other side, write down everything you would rather be doing with your time. Then put those information side by side: what do you see? Are they similar or are there stark differences? If they are different from one another, that is a call to adjust your schedule and make space for the things that do matter to you.

I hope you find these questions helpful and transformative.

When you cross your own boundaries, the default response is to blame the people around you who could have made things easier. But let’s be honest, and I am holding your hand as I ask this: is it really their fault?

Curious to hear your thoughts in the comments!